NOOOOOOOOO!
You know when you are not prepared for….. or even worse you are preparing for a night where no one really talks to you and you just watch tv and then SURPRISE MOTHER FUCKER! it’s chaotic and there is many people talking and yapping and drinking and you just want them to shut up. You know what I’m talking about? Yeah, I fucking hate that.
Video reblogged from eject with 43 notes
In 1992, Paul Rudd was a Bat Mitzvah DJ.
- Vanity Fair
Source: kellyoxford
Richard and Kitty Part 1
Two lovers separated by a war, a southern gentleman and a northern debutante. Months before South Carolina’s secession and the War Between States began there was Richard and Kitty. They lived on the dime of their parents. No cares. No fears. Only fine food, fucking, and fresh firewater. They lived drunk and wasted no time getting to know one another outside of the bedroom. They thought it would last forever and in some respects I suppose it has.
So on the night of what is referred to as ‘The Separation’ Richard had ridden his horse to the nearest hootch distributor while Kitty awaited his return. Richard was taken capture by a group of gay union soldiers. Richard, or as they called him dick, was locked in a rape dungeon. He slept three nights on the semen filled floor and on the fourth day he rose and rose and rose but no longer the dick that was once known but as the “Boner Ghost.”
Meanwhile, Kitty awoke and feared that her Richard had fled to the south having tired of their sessions. Kitty bolted in a fit of rage and her journey ended in St. Francisville at a plantation worked mainly by women. When she asked of Richard and got responses that she was not happy with she slaughtered the lot of females in a crying wrath. She slept three nights in the bloody vagina goop of the women. On the fourth day she rose, moist and hungry but not as Kitty but the infamous “Ghost Pussy.”
To be continued…..
-John Glynn
People who don’t….
I don’t really wish bad things on anyone….
EXCEPT:
-People who don’t like good movies
-People who don’t think I’m cool
-People who don’t like good music
-People who don’t think I’m funny
-People who don’t like Penn & Teller
-People who don’t think I hung the moon
-People who don’t respect human rights
-People who don’t think I’m stupid awesome
-People who don’t walk to their mailbox
-People who don’t think I’m better than them
-People who don’t…..
That’s a small number right????????????????????????????????????????
-John Glynn
Jehovah’s Loophole!
So I went to learning yesterday, and like most of us these days when I go learning it’s at the school of Wikipedia. Yeah so I went learning about Jehovah’s Witnesses and here are some things I learned:
“Jehovah’s Witnesses believe that Jesus was Jehovah’s only direct creation and that everything else was created by means of Christ, and that the initial unassisted act of creation uniquely identifies Jesus as God’s “only-begotten Son”.”
And
“ Witnesses believe that Satan is a spirit creature who is the ruler of the world, and that he was at one time a perfect angel who developed feelings of self-importance, and craved worship. Satan persuaded Adam and Eve to obey him rather than God, and humanity subsequently became participants in a challenge involving the competing claims of Jehovah and Satan to universal sovereignty. Other angels who sided with Satan became demons.”
-Ok seems like they aren’t so crazy.
-BUT……………….
“Jehovah’s Witnesses teach that Satan and his demons were cast down to earth from heaven after October 1, 1914, at which point the end times began.”
-1914??????????????? What the hell! (no pun intended)
“Witnesses believe that the world is influenced by Satan and his demons, that they mislead people, and are the cause of human suffering. However, they do not believe that individual rulers or governments are under Satan’s direct control. “
-So Satan and his demons can mislead individuals and are the cause for human suffering (post 1914?) But once you are a ruler of a country or the head of government Satan and his lackeys are like “nah I ain’t gonna be blamed for that shit.”
Let us continue because it gets much better:
“Jehovah’s Witnesses believe death is a state of non-existence with no consciousness. There is no Hell of fiery torment; Hades and Sheol are understood to refer to the condition of death, termed the common grave.”
-That seems about right…
“Witnesses believe there are two destinations for those saved by God. They interpret Revelation 14 to mean that the number of Christians going to heaven is limited to precisely 144,000, who will rule with Jesus as kings and priests over earth. The remainder have the hope of living forever in an earthly paradise (and will be referred to as the “other sheep”)”
-Wha Wha Whaaaaat? Fuck man you telling me that heaven, which is likely infinite space, will only hold 144,000 people. That’s some greedy ass shit.
“Jehovah’s Witnesses teach that only they meet scriptural requirements for surviving Armageddon, although God is the final judge.”
-Well shit how presumptuous of these fucks to believe they are the only ones meeting such requirements. I mean fuck the basis for it was only founded in like 1870 but at least they give the decency of allowing God to have the final judgment of who gets in to heaven.
-Oh but wait……….
“During the millennium, most other people who died since the time of Abel and prior to Armageddon will be resurrected with the prospect of living forever; they will be taught the proper way to worship God in order for them to be ready for their final test before the end of the millennium.”
-So only 144,000 people go to heaven but everyone since the time of Abel has a chance to live on earth forever? Man that will be one crowded ass earth. Fuck that I ain’t sharing my paradise with 5 gazillion people.
“They consider all other present-day religions to be false, identifying them with “Babylon the Great”, or the “harlot”, of Revelation 17, and believe that they will soon be destroyed by the United Nations.”
-So all you “harlots” better jump ship on those religions that have been around for, oh I don’t know, almost 2000 years longer than Jehovah.
“Satan will subsequently attack Jehovah’s Witnesses, an action that will prompt God to begin the war of Armageddon, during which all forms of government and all people not counted as Christ’s “sheep”, or true followers, will be destroyed. After Armageddon, God will extend his heavenly kingdom to include earth, which will be transformed into a paradise similar to the Garden of Eden.”
-Ok ok that sounds like some stuff I’ve heard before
BUT………
“After Armageddon, most of those who had died prior to God’s intervention will gradually be resurrected to a “day of judgment” lasting for a thousand years. This judgment will be based on their actions after resurrection, not on past deeds. At the end of the thousand years, a final test will take place when Satan is brought back to mislead perfect mankind. The end result will be a fully tested, glorified human race. Christ will then hand all authority back to God.”
-Fuck I’m confused, so what’s the point of doing anything good/bad/indifferent until freaking Armageddon? I mean it seems to me that we will all have a chance to be resurrected and it won’t matter at all what was done before our death. That’s a sure fire loophole that I’m pretty damn pumped about.
-What more can I say, I was going to write this about how stupid and insane all this sound but damn a free pass for our actions on earth COUNT ME IN!
-John Glynn
Explaining the Floor?
Dear Floor,
Why is it when I’ve had too much to drink (and not enough to eat) and maybe some other substance my vicious spins can only be soothed by a cold, dark floor? I mean I lay in the bed and it’s a fucking nightmare, I stand up and want to hurl, but man does that floor balance me out something wonderful. Even in the event that I have to yak, which is the norm at some point on those nights, I still must return to the floor for at least 3 to 4 hours of sleep. Is it some gravity shit? Is it all in my head? WHAT THE FUCK MAN? No need to get upset though, because I truly love you floor and all the horrible twirls you’ve saved me from.
Your biggest fan,
John Glynn
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